morning sheets

I love your sleepy kisses
and whispered words unsaid

we are different in the morning
no longer snarling animals
panting into each others mouths

instead it’s heavy eyed sighs
and gentle squeezes
locked in arms and legs

until we feel a stirring
until sunlight creeps across our bodies

or the alarm breaks in
or I make us coffee
or I lie wide awake

morning always comes

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flowers painted on a concrete wall

every time
I think it might be clearing
I miss another step
trip over my eager feet
stumble into another ditch

all I can do is savor
the moments of relief
suck the color and flavor
out of these hard candy surprises
until my teeth rot

footsteps arising
people haze around me
I don’t look up anymore

i turn blue in the moonlight

i wish i didn’t feel so much

so intensely

but then i wouldn’t have the highs

intoxicating moments to live for

the feeling of sun warmed bricks

falling through the stars of a climax

the sherbet fizz excitement

of waiting for the doorbell

the rainbow of ideas

melting through my brain

i just keep going

holding my breath

but i’m getting dizzy

and the road is dusty

i’m not sure i can

make out the horizon anymore

grab my hand

when you leave
I feel hollow
a piece carved from my chest
I drop back in my murky pool
as the door slams shut

but when you were here
reality came back, full color
you felt so close
I wanted to lick the sweat from your chest

I told you my ugly pathetic sad secret
you loved me after
I held back some words
but I am feeling braver

the noose I strung myself
is feeling a little looser
I believe you when you kiss me
when our eyes meet

I’m speaking without words again
but this time you understand
I’m still underneath all this
you haven’t seen me open my wings yet

Mixed Mourning

I don’t know what I’m doing.
Everything and Nothing.

Helicopters overhead.
The same music over and over.

Emotional, sad, desperate songs.
I dance. I cry. But no tears come.

Just a crumpled face and heaving chest.
Occasional animal noises of grief.

Hard to write. Words come faster than pen.
Dissolve if I hold them too long.

Nothing feels real, I float above and behind myself.
My limbs are foreign and distant.

If I stop I’m scared I won’t start again.

lifejacket

your warm forearm
around my neck

my shoulder to your lips
my pelvis to your hips

your hand climbs up my chest
brushes beneath my breast

I breathe shallow
warm my feet between your calves
gently press into you

hoping we could fuse
and dull the sharp grief
threatening to swallow me

then a snore rattles my ear
and I consider sleep
instead of despair

we draw together
then roll away
throughout the night

like tides pulled
by a hidden lonely moon

inside out umbrella

string me up
cut my throat
slice my thighs
burn my rest

I meant my wrist

locked out of joy
forbidden to smile
rip out my eyes
rob me blind

these are the thoughts
that dance in my head
tear at my insides
stitch with black thread

a large latte please, takeaway

not sure where
but I need to escape
solace has abandoned me
the wind sinks sharp teeth
through lonely skin

a fool a fool
to believe in love

a burdened tree with rotting apples
poised to fall
and strike me dead

dead dead doesn’t matter

missing missing no ones searching

circling circling the cold mouth of the drain

From A Spark

While the valley burns
Purple and orange
Layers thick over blue and yellow

Turns the sun’s eye red
The sky slowly filling grey
Marching out of the black horizon

The room glows
The garden is painted warm
It’s hard to tell the time

I think I can smell it
I witness the faraway threat
But it’s still going

And the wind is growing strong
The ash clouds thicken and spread
Guilty excitement

How fast things can change
How new perspective is everything
Burn me clean

love paintball

what is this distance I feel
these walls we crouch behind
in the game of love paintball

I try to stay clean
scared of pain and stains
a mask over my face

you can’t hear my whispers
of tearful anxiety
as I carry my pack uphill

don’t wait for me
I’ll catch up
just need a moment

in this cool quiet clearing
I put myself together again
wipe my own tears away

rest my feet on a warm rock
watch the birds dance above me
relax with the receding footsteps

an acceptance that alone
is the default