your warm forearm
around my neck
my shoulder to your lips
my pelvis to your hips
your hand climbs up my chest
brushes beneath my breast
I breathe shallow
warm my feet between your calves
gently press into you
hoping we could fuse
and dull the sharp grief
threatening to swallow me
then a snore rattles my ear
and I consider sleep
instead of despair
we draw together
then roll away
throughout the night
like tides pulled
by a hidden lonely moon
string me up
cut my throat
slice my thighs
burn my rest
I meant my wrist
locked out of joy
forbidden to smile
rip out my eyes
rob me blind
these are the thoughts
that dance in my head
tear at my insides
stitch with black thread
a large latte please, takeaway
not sure where
but I need to escape
solace has abandoned me
the wind sinks sharp teeth
through lonely skin
a fool a fool
to believe in love
a burdened tree with rotting apples
poised to fall
and strike me dead
dead dead doesn’t matter
missing missing no ones searching
circling circling the cold mouth of the drain
what is this distance I feel
these walls we crouch behind
in the game of love paintball
I try to stay clean
scared of pain and stains
a mask over my face
you can’t hear my whispers
of tearful anxiety
as I carry my pack uphill
don’t wait for me
I’ll catch up
just need a moment
in this cool quiet clearing
I put myself together again
wipe my own tears away
rest my feet on a warm rock
watch the birds dance above me
relax with the receding footsteps
an acceptance that alone
is the default
every episode
so real at the time
the senses lie
things shift and move
colors are odd
trauma is felt
running running running
you can’t catch your breath
someone can stab you
penetrate you
and you feel the warm blood
and panic
the best and worst plays out
until reality brings deep grief
and emptiness
seldom relief
for such an intense experience
to be wiped from memory
it takes a part of you
they can’t understand
how you can be so obsessed
with something that never happened
then they complain
that you changed
How can you expect me to see
when my eyes are black with ash
My tongue ripped out
my ears filled with murky water
I sputtered out replies
when I managed to break the surface
But all you feel is rejection
the cold wind off the still lake
As I struggle beneath
by the time I made it back
to shore, you were gone
Just an empty coffee cup and cigarette butts
the hollow where you sat
Beheaded flowers and lined up
pebbles were all that was left
My last words echo in my head
I’m mad I can’t be mad at you
I’m hunched over here trying
to reattach the daisy heads
and chain us together again
Some days
Even your skin can’t stand you
It tugs and tightens as it tries to crawl from your flesh
Smells roughly invade your flaring nostrils
And your stomach turns and swirls in response
You disgust me
Sounds like swarms of locusts in my ears
The light an interrogating eye
Into all that I hide
Stop snapping rubber bands
against my raw skin
I can’t feel anymore
Don’t dunk me in the deep end
the cold shock aches my joints
and steals my strength
Stop clashing dishes
it penetrates my soft temple
you aren’t helping
Don’t take offense
when disgust replaces delight
your presence is grating
Stop I have no patience
for those who can’t see
the black rats gnawing at me
Don’t try to steer straight
it’s all out of alignment
I’m wrestling my way off a cliff
Terrified
by yet another
tower
of
books
layers of expectation
accusing corners
hope
sandwiched
between pages
sleep heavy on
my forehead
I wear matching underwear
which you will never see.
I used to shave, to be free from shame
but your hairs caught in my teeth.
From virgin swaddling cloth
to proud naked ape, walking tall
as gravity displays it’s rude power.
This lump in my throat
refuses to dislodge, so
I wear it like a velvet choker,
anxiety is the new black.
I have tainted this place
with my depression
Painted it with sticky black tar
suffocating the once glowing white room
Put a bitter taste in the air
heaviness collapsing
this shelter inwards
Like a slow poisoning
a dark possession
It struggles to fight
I hang on to the
small white patch
of hope, yet untouched
I try to clean the thickening walls
searching for the future
beneath the present
It sticks to my hands
and climbs my arms
Reaching strong black ropes
up around my throat
My skin can’t breathe
I can’t breathe
It has consumed me
aphroditesdream 