Diary Entry 2/2

How did you get footprints on the walls?
Was it while I was sleeping?
Did gravity turn like a rubix cube, leaving me behind?
No one must ever find out. The awfulness within.
If only we could shed our skin.
Hardened bitter scales traded in for vulnerable soft new beginnings.
I’m scared.
I’m separate.
I’m alone.
Paranoia sticks it’s foot in the door. Something wants me to give up.
Dizzy with mental torture.

I wish I could cry.

I am the Tar, Baby

I have tainted this place
with my depression
Painted it with sticky black tar
suffocating the once glowing white room

Put a bitter taste in the air
heaviness collapsing
this shelter inwards
Like a slow poisoning
a dark possession
It struggles to fight

I hang on to the
small white patch
of hope, yet untouched
I try to clean the thickening walls
searching for the future
beneath the present

It sticks to my hands
and climbs my arms
Reaching strong black ropes
up around my throat

My skin can’t breathe
I can’t breathe

It has consumed me

Nothing Left But This

I make coffee
to kill the boredom
fill the empty mind
jumpstart the heart

I take pills
to escape time
quiet the mind
deaden the heart

I smoke
to avoid time
ponder poisonous thoughts
tighten the heart

I shower
to cleanse the sins
festering in the mind
soothe the burning heart
rinse the blood
from my hands
by my hands

I go to bed
to summon filth
from the mind
make the heart race
and the body ache

So I can sleep.

This Candied Cigarette

I clasp scalding amber tea
in a soggy takeaway cup
This candid conversation
holding me captive
His observations
made bold and rancid

Breathing candyfloss smoke
beneath a gobstopper domed sky
Yellow gumballs of light
spill across the lawn

A car’s smiling headlights,
windscreen wipers bent
in worship to me
Passing people in miniature
like statues on a cake
Strobe light leaves
catch my restless eyes
Parakeet fluorescent flashes
a harsh, repetitive trance

Spun sugar threads turn
to sticky cobweb tendrils, catching
tiny vessels in my lungs
A tree trunk stripped
to it’s rotting core, scarlet
sap oozing through opened scars
My attempts to capture the rainbow, futile
clinging as color spins and dissolves

It’s just a grayscale static image
Cold dregs are all that remain