Diary Entry 2/4

The start of suffering. The suffocating rising panic. The heartache too heavy to bear. My face distorted in the mirror. Touch burns fingerprints on my raw skin. A longing for that which is lost. Lost. You are no longer. No longer here to wrap my wounds in healing white bandages of comfort. My heavy head leans into a missing shoulder. My back arches for a warmth that has disappeared. I face this dark narrow hallway alone. Reaching for a hand that is too far to reach. My hand falls through decades of pain. It returns to my side empty and cold.

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Diary Entry 2/2

How did you get footprints on the walls?
Was it while I was sleeping?
Did gravity turn like a rubix cube, leaving me behind?
No one must ever find out. The awfulness within.
If only we could shed our skin.
Hardened bitter scales traded in for vulnerable soft new beginnings.
I’m scared.
I’m separate.
I’m alone.
Paranoia sticks it’s foot in the door. Something wants me to give up.
Dizzy with mental torture.

I wish I could cry.

I am the Tar, Baby

I have tainted this place
with my depression
Painted it with sticky black tar
suffocating the once glowing white room

Put a bitter taste in the air
heaviness collapsing
this shelter inwards
Like a slow poisoning
a dark possession
It struggles to fight

I hang on to the
small white patch
of hope, yet untouched
I try to clean the thickening walls
searching for the future
beneath the present

It sticks to my hands
and climbs my arms
Reaching strong black ropes
up around my throat

My skin can’t breathe
I can’t breathe

It has consumed me

Nothing Left But This

I make coffee
to kill the boredom
fill the empty mind
jumpstart the heart

I take pills
to escape time
quiet the mind
deaden the heart

I smoke
to avoid time
ponder poisonous thoughts
tighten the heart

I shower
to cleanse the sins
festering in the mind
soothe the burning heart
rinse the blood
from my hands
by my hands

I go to bed
to summon filth
from the mind
make the heart race
and the body ache

So I can sleep.